Text and Photos by Michael Julius
Me (preparing to treat a patient in pain): Why don't you tell the tech that joke you told me earlier.Patient: There's a daddy olive and a baby olive in a tree. Suddenly a gust of wind blows the baby olive out.Me (pushing Dilaudid): This is a good joke.Patient: And, uh.... The, uh, daddy olive says to the baby olive... uh....Me (pushing Dilaudid): The daddy olive asks the baby olive...Patient: Oh yeah! The daddy olive asks the baby olive, "are you alright?" And the, uh...Me (still pushing Dilaudid): What does the baby olive say?Patient: Uhhhh... oh! Wait. What does the baby olive say? I forgot.Me (finishing the Dilaudid): The baby olive says, "I'm O-live!"Patient: Oh yeah!
I know you're scared, but I'm holding the rope.
Patient: I'M A POSTGRADUATE!
I WROTE A HUNDRED PAGE THESIS!
Me: Oh really?
What did you conclude?
Patient: THAT YOU'RE STUPID!
Me: It took a hundred pages?
Patient: THE ABSTRACT IS A PARAGRAPH!
There are many unseen forces at work.
Patient: What happened?
Me: You were in cardiac arrest.
Patient: No shit.
Precepting, day 1RN Student: Is this like the third principal?
Me: Yeah sure, these are principles.
RN Student: So what is it?
Me: We always win.
Dying Patient: I think I'll miss Nature the most.
Me: Welcome to Covid.
Through that wall is the ICU.
That way, the north halls...and home.
Which way do you want to go?Patient: points north That way.
Me: Good. Let's get to work.
Confused Patient: You and me both remind me of each other.
AND (Allow Natural Death), Covid Unit; SpO2 18%:Patient: What do I do? Do I just go to sleep?
Me: Could you listen to his lungs for me?
Med Student: listening
Hmm, what do you think?
Me: I don't know, I haven't listened to them.
That's why I asked you.
Med Student: I don't know.
Me: Ok. Are they clear or coarse?
Med Student: They're iffy.
Patient: Would you turn it to Fox?
Me: (flipping channels) Oh look, MSNBC! I'm going to leave it here and put this remote out of reach.
Patient: Don't torture me.
Me: Ok, I need to be absolutely sure you don't have Covid. It's not going to be comfortable. I'm sorry.
Me: Don't worry, I'm not going to poke this through the backside of your head.
Patient: I've heard that's happened.
Hydromorphone and the Hallmark Channel.
Peanut butter and chocolate.
ICU Charge nurse, posting a sign on the glass wall of a COVID room:Patient: What does that say?
ICU Charge Nurse: It just says that you're a PCCU patient.
Patient: What does that mean?
ICU Charge Nurse: It means you are on IO status.
Me: It means you aren't the sickest person here.
Patient: Oh thank God.
A bouquet of sunflowers. Jammed into a urinal. Hanging by its handle. On the visitor's chair.
Patient: The doctor just told me that I'll need to get an ICBM.
Me (chuckling): Oh yeah?..
Patient: I'm not getting a cruise missle, am I?
Me (to another RN): What exactly does a joule measure?
Doctor (working nearby): It's the amount of energy in watts delivered in one second. So basically energy and time.
Me: Hmm. I really like having a cardiologist around.
Doctor: I just googled it.
Surgeon: Abdominal binders are like cocktail dresses.
Me: I don't know anything about cocktail dresses.
Me: What do like to be called?
Patient: You can call me daddy.
Me (later): Hey "daddy"...
Patient: giggle giggle
Me: I have your Lovenox shot.
Patient (double amputee): Can I tell you a story?
Me: Of course!
Patient: After I got these cut off, a nurse said to me, "I've got news for you. Your dick is longer than your legs."
Patient: HAHAHA! It was the first good laugh I had after that surgery.